by Tom Gibson, IL Saints Softball Coach
Bryce Harper just signed a 13-year deal for $330 million to play baseball for the Philadelphia Phillies!!! Part of my reading audience lives in the greater Philadelphia area, and reacted immediately:
Some of you are excited: “We are on our way to the World Series!”
Some of you are angry: “That’s too many years and ballplayers are overpaid!”
And some of you have figured out the only thing that will affect the fans: You are about to spend a lot more for Bull’s BBQ and for the opportunity to see the Philly Phanatic chase the Mets bullpen around on his ATV!
Regardless of how you feel, free agency is part of the game and it makes me think that maybe it’s time that our softball teams sign a big name free agent this summer!
Well, we here at the sabermetrics and statistical analysis office at “Inside the Mind of Gibby” have broken down the OPS (on-base percentage plus slugging percentage), WAR (wins above replacement), and WOAL (wings ordered at lunch) and determined the best candidates to add to our team:
1. Albert Pujols Pros: Albert is one of the greats of all time. He has a rock-solid testimony and would hit several softballs over the gym during our trips to Kentucky State Reformatory! Cons: When Albert got married, he spent his honeymoon in Peoria, IL. I’m from Peoria and I didn’t even spend my honeymoon here! At this point he is older and slowing down and he only plays first base. This doesn’t match the needs of the current Saints who are older and slowing down and can only play first base…
2. Ben Zobrist Pros: Zobrist has an incredible story of how God closed the door for him to go into full-time ministry and allowed him to continue playing baseball. He is a switch hitter and can play both the infield and the outfield. Cons: The Zobrist name is so respected in baseball and here in Central Illinois, that it is hard to find anything to make a con about. Well, there was that one time at Wrigley that he was playing right field and he wouldn’t even look up at me when I was trying to talk to him about donating a bus to our team. So we went out and got our own bus…and I hope Zobrist appreciates how that’s worked out!
3. Clayton Kershaw Pros: Clayton not only is a perennial CY Young and MVP candidate, but, when he isn’t busy throwing strikes in LA, you can find him sharing his faith in the community or on the mission field in Africa. Cons: After further research, we determined that he will have trouble executing his unhittable slider while throwing underhanded at 4 MPH.
4. Tim Tebow
Pros: This is the big one! If we could land Tebow, we could finally get the “you guys should get Tebow” monkey off our back. He should adapt to slow pitch softball well and we could always use him if we ever play prison football! He is a missionary’s kid and loves sharing the Gospel.
Cons: After looking at his resume, we are concerned that he hasn’t had a real job in quite some time. The toughest part of the negotiation has been his insistence that he be the quarterback in whatever sport he plays.
While we don’t have Bryce Harper – or even Valerie Harper – money laying around to make a big free agent signing, we can offer long uncomfortable bus rides, funny looks from people at gas stations, poor choices in fast food dining, and the opportunity to hit softballs out of some of the most obscure ballparks in America! Who wouldn’t want to sign here?!